5 stages of grief in divorce

Doctor Kübler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief is an example of an academic theory that broke into the mainstream. It is a concept that we can all refer to in times of mourning and loss to understand that our pain is a transient part of a process that ends in healing.

In Dr Kübler-Ross’s 1969 book On Death and Dying, the Five Stages of Grief were first illustrated through the lens of the terminally ill coming to terms with their own death. Dr Kübler-Ross has since stated that the stages can be applied to many facets of life and loss aside from in terminally ill persons, including:

• The loss of a family member or friend.
• The loss of a pet.
• The loss of one’s employment.
• The loss of home due to a natural disaster.
• The loss of connection to one’s culture through immigration.
• The loss of one’s romantic relationship post-separation

In the family law context, we often see our clients going through the five stages of grief in their separation and divorce.

The 5 stages of grief are:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining 
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

It is important to note that the stages of grief are not linear; you cannot schedule in your calendar that you will have moved from one stage to the next at any given time. There are no time limits for loss. Any given stage can last for any duration of time—one person may be in denial at the end of their marriage for years, while another could have passed through all five stages in a matter of months.

It is heartening to remember that, however long these stages may take you, if you persevere through them, the last stage is acceptance. You can come to terms with the end of your relationship and have a full life.

What are the 5 stages of grief in divorce?

The end of a marriage can be deeply destabilising. A constant, someone that you had pledged an eternity to, is no longer a part of your life. It can feel like the disappearance of gravity, or you’re suddenly finding out that your house is missing its roof. It is natural that a change so profound is difficult to accept at first.

The first stage of grief in divorce is denial. When we lose a limb, the body goes into shock; our body does not register the pain immediately in order to protect us. It’s the same with divorce. We become numb, in disbelief at what has occurred. To immunise us from the pain of our loss, we avoid the pain by believing the loss has not occurred.

After denial passes, the next stage of grieving in divorce is anger. Anger is often referred to as a secondary emotion. This means that it is an emotional response to an underlying primary emotion that it is masking. It is easier to feel anger, which may feel righteous and empowering, as opposed to the underlying feelings of perhaps hurt or sadness. Once we have moved past the stage of denial, we can become resentful or frustrated, often either blaming ourselves or our former partners.

The third stage of grief in divorce is bargaining. We negotiate with ourselves, running through thoughts like ‘What if?’ or ‘If only’ in order to retain some element of control. It is a way that we hold onto hope that we may regain what once was, rather than confronting the painful truth of what has occurred. By bargaining and negotiating with our loss, by turning the idea over in our minds, we are indirectly approaching testing the idea for pain and moving closer to acceptance.

The fourth stage of grief is depression. This stage is when we allow ourselves to feel the full weight of the pain of our loss. This is a natural and necessary part of the process of loss. The end of a marriage can bring with it a deep sense of sorrow, loneliness, and disconnection. While an isolated, brief period of sadness is normal at the end of a relationship, if it continues for a prolonged period and interferes with your daily life, it can become clinical depression. It is important to reach out to those around you and, if your mental health is suffering, to seek professional help. Help is a phone call away.

The last stage of grief in divorce is acceptance. Acceptance does not mean that the loss no longer matters or that the pain has disappeared. Rather, it is the point at which we begin to make peace with our new reality. The hurt may still be present, but it no longer overwhelms us in the same way. We start to recognise that although life is different, it can still hold meaning, connection, and even joy.

In the context of separation or divorce, acceptance might involve letting go of the hope that the relationship will return to what it once was and instead beginning to focus on building a future that feels stable and fulfilling. It is the stage where we can start to reorganise our lives, rediscover our independence, and embrace new opportunities.

Reaching acceptance is often gradual and uneven. Some days may feel lighter, while others bring the pain back into sharper focus. That is a normal part of the process. Over time, the moments of peace and clarity tend to grow stronger, guiding us towards healing.

Stages of grief for a man

Divorce is not only a legal process but an emotional one. For men, the combination of grief, shifting identity, and social stigma can be particularly isolating.

There is a shifting emphasis in Australia on men’s mental health. Recognising the stages of grief, allowing space for emotions, and accessing professional or peer support can help men navigate this transition, maintain meaningful relationships with their children, and rebuild a strong sense of self.

Stages of grief for a woman

The stages of divorce can present themselves in manifold ways, varying in intensity, duration, and order depending on each person’s circumstances, emotional resilience, and support network. Often you can keenly feel the loss of their life partner, the constant that they counted on, and their shared life goals.

The financial effect of divorce on women can be devastating. Marriage itself is an economically beneficial structure for both parties. You are often able to use two incomes to meet a mortgage, and married men, on average, earn 15% more than men who never marry. Part of the reason for this is that costs can be halved—couples do not necessarily require two TVs, two fridges, or two cars between them. Another is due to gender role specialisation—if one party to a marriage takes on a designated homemaker/parenting role and the other is a breadwinner, they can optimise in a way that a single parent would simply be unable to.

However, if the marriage falls apart, that detriment is almost always felt most heavily by the homemaker/parent, which, unfortunately, is traditionally the wife. Even if the total assets are split between the parties 50/50, the breadwinner normally has the income to financially outstrip their partner in the next few years. There is a stark difference in the level of comfort of two people living together in a $1 million house and two people living each in a $500,000 house.

The sudden loss of your life partner is mirrored by the sudden loss of the life you knew.

Stages of grief for initiators of divorce

The stages of grief can manifest themselves differently for the initiator of divorce. While they still may have the stages of grief, they are not taken by surprise by the divorce. Sometimes they can have been emotionally preparing for the divorce for months or years in advance. They may have made some financial preparations by way of cash withdrawals or a separate bank account. They have a financial and emotional head start, and while they are breaking the news to you that the relationship is over, it is not news to them. This does not mean that they do not go through the stages of grief or that they do not suffer the loss of the marriage. They may have already moved through the initial few stages of grief.

There are several practical strategies that can help you and your former partner co-parent while you are moving through the stages of grief.

Stage 1. Make a parenting plan

A parenting plan is an informal agreement setting out co-parenting arrangements. It can cover what time the kids spend with each parent, who pays for what for the kids, and how the parents will make decisions regarding the children. A parenting plan helps to set out expectations for each parent, where communication may have suffered since its dissolution. If the parenting aspect of your separation is amicable, it can give you the headspace to focus on your healing.

Stage 2. Practise “business-like” interactions

Try approaching co-parenting communication as you would a professional task; remove emotion from the equation and focus on the best interests of the children. Remain outcome-focused in discussions with your former partner regarding the division of your assets. Try to prepare an agenda, stay polite, and focus on solutions. Try not to let problems from your relationship dominate the issues of the present.

Stage 3. Support the child’s relationship with both parents

If you can support the needs of the children, then this can take some of the heat out of the divorce. Focus on the common ground and work towards a resolution.

Stage 4. Don’t delay financial settlement

As long as your and your former partner’s financial separation is unaddressed, you will be unable to be completely separated. A financial settlement is the cutting of financial ties between you and your partner. Figuring out what you each may keep in terms of assets and liabilities can be a tense conversation and may require lawyers’ negotiations, mediation, or filing an application with the family court. Getting financial matters sorted initially means that you can both go about living your lives without the prospect of settlement hanging over your head.

Healing after divorce is possible

Divorce can feel overwhelming, but grief is a process, not permanent. With time, support and the right strategies, you can rebuild a fulfilling life. We believe that

Our experienced family and divorce lawyers can also provide clear advice on the legal side of separation, from property settlements to parenting arrangements. If you’re unsure where to begin, start by scheduling a confidential consultation with our team.